itch.io

A few things have come up, so the next edit will be at a later date. I apologize for that, but it's outside my control. I've started to slowly work my way through the remaining prologue, but it's taking longer than expected. Purely grammatical edits are fast enough, but for style/rephrasing I need to dedicate more contemplation than I'm currently able to. I'm holding out to the next weekend/Friday.

I'm also grateful that you take critique and advice. You have an distinctive style that bears polishing - after some conscious practice it will be very interesting. Definitely double-check any and all my suggestions in case of doubt and/or rewrite my edits as you see fit.

On a parting note, I would like to say that to the best of my knowledge, Discord servers are incredibly prone to degenerating into a clique-like mess on the best of days. With NSFW added, it might collapse even sooner. So, my advice is to not, but if you do, vet your mods religiously.

TL;DR: life busy, edits later, discord is true to its name.

And thanks to you for answering! I'm very excited re: 6 in particular. My sympathies re: 5. Yeah, I've been there.

I'm very tempted to volunteer some help with writing, but I'm not a native English speaker, even if my grammar is pretty decent, so I'm not sure whether you'd want it (or any help at all, for that matter). 

1. Love the style and the premise. Also love the option of dire serpents as PC. I wish there were insects or arachnids as well, but that's a fairly exotic option and I don't really expect it to come up.

2. The leveling system is a bit strange - the best way to level up seems to be staying in the starting tavern, picking flowers and beating up goblins. Each flower costs 2 points, each shoe also costs 2. As goblins are the easiest enemies, it is by far the  most efficient method.

3. An occultist PC doesn't seems to start with any spells. It might be a good idea to add different starting skills to different classes.

4. There seems to be a lot of missing commas, especially before PC's name. When addressing someone, there should be a comma before or after a name.

"Hi, %name%" and "%name%, hi". These are most frequently missing.

Sometimes the descriptions - such as the prologue - read smoothly, sometimes they seem choppy. I suggest you find an auxiliary writer/beta. I assume the text will be polished as the development goes along.

5. "Length" is simply not a good word, it's very reminiscent of paperback romance novels. It's better than "manhood" or "knob", but still. Please consider just using "dick". //Edit: a matter of taste, I admit. I will probably get used to it.

6. Here's to hoping a skeleton romance will be possible.

//Edit2:

7. After Fenn agreed to help Lyra, I got her a room, and went to temple, somehow there's a scene where Darzakk is helping Lyra instead, and it's a looped conversation.